Personal Musings: Nearing the Edge

Posted on - in Personal

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Let me deviate from my usual posts to write something a bit personal.

You can skip reading this if you want. Nothing really interesting, just a brief rant of sorts.

Read at your own risk, I guess? LOL!
It’s just the third week of the year and I feel like I’m ready to implode anytime.

This has been a feeling carried over from last year. While the home scenario has been calm lately, the career aspect of my life has been a turbulent one. And it doesn’t show any signs of calming down anytime soon.

I feel like I’ve reached a plateau in my career. It doesn’t help that for more than 8 hours in a day, I am holed up in a cubicle with far few instances of distraction and, would you believe, peer communication.

It’s too quiet that I can hear my heart screaming.

You see, in all the places I worked prior to this, the environment has always been interactive. In the agencies I’ve worked with, the room layout is pretty open and music is always played. People always talked to each other, whether just to give a job order, ask for a smoke (or cookies from the boss, no less), or exchange short pleasantries. Sometimes, in the middle of work, someone would crack a joke and everyone would be reacting.

The workplace I stayed for almost a decade had a quieter environment (no music blaring), but the group I was with were a happy bunch. We’d eat lunch together and have light moments during meetings. At any given day, there will be someone who’d spill a trivia or say something funny.

Those moments made my days less dreary.

I moved to another company because I felt too comfortable in the previous one (actually, that’s a main reason for me changing employment; being too comfortable kinda meant no progress for me). No doubt that my work here is a bit more challenging, even if it’s similar to the previous one.

The thing is that it’s too… quiet.

It’s been a year now and I haven’t gotten used to it.

Being moved to a quieter corner, away from people that I should be interacting with especially in terms of work, affected me further. Now, I feel stifled by the silence.

Yes, we communicate via chat, but it’s different when I get to talk to people face-to-face.

It feels lonely.

And that makes me agitated, but without an outlet, I feel like imploding.

Leaving has crossed my mind. The thing is that if I do, it will have an effect on many aspects of my life. I’m supporting a family, paying off debts — I can’t just walk away.

Besides, I don’t think I can do anything else but write.

So, there.

Hmm… writing this has lessened the turmoil in me. For now. But I know there will be a time when I can’t hold it in much longer.

At this moment, I feel like I’m nearing the edge of a cliff. Maybe 5 more pushes, then I’ll fall.

Or leap. Or dive in. Maybe. Let’s see.

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